He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sex in a hospital.. check
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
