we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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