it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
