Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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