I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
