I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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