How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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