I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
