someone threw a dead crab at me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
