Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
