After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
