no, he came in my armpit
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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