Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
