Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
