Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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