Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
