In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
