after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
