So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
