Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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