Will you blow on my dice?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
