I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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