Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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