so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
