and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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