Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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