If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
