The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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