she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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