I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
