I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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