my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
