I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
