I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
