im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
