I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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