everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
