we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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