just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
