soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
