i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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