Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
