If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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