I wish my penis had an off switch
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
