you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
