New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
