i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
