So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
