can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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