oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
