Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just threw up on my dentist
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
