ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
