Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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